Fall

A few moments from our first real leaf playing day. While we were outside, Maya kept saying, "I love fall!!" 

Swimming, drawing, and a chore chart

I had a really nice day with Maya and Ella. Brett left early this morning for the Pedal People retreat. He will be back Sunday evening. It was so hot today, and after getting some ice cream at the little place in Florence, we went swimming in the river for a long time. Both girls are getting more and more comfortable with the water. They've been walking out to where the water is almost too deep, then turning around and heading back to the shore, putting their hands down when the water gets shallow enough that they can reach and pointing their legs out behind them. Great practice for being able to swim on their own!

While playing in the water today:

Ella: "I'm a crab."
Me: "Oh, you look tasty. Can I eat you?"
Ella: "No. I'm not edible."

Maya can suddenly draw a face/person! It's only been for the past week or so that this has been happening. Before then when the girls did drawings they didn't resemble much of anything. It's amazing how milestones like this just happen when you aren't expecting it. Maya is really proud of herself.

One of Maya's first drawings. She said it's, "A picture of Mama, with Ella inside her tummy!"

On a not-so-fun note, I've been really annoyed at Maya's tendency to throw things when she's upset. This isn't something new. She's had this sort of reaction for a while. I wish I knew the best thing to do to help her change it. This evening she threw her bowl of yogurt on the floor (and it got all over, including on my skirt) because she came into the kitchen, climbed up to her chair, and noticed I hadn't gotten her a spoon yet. I had it in my hand about to give to her. I could see that she felt bad and embarrassed for what she had done, and I know she was tired (which is when this sort of behavior usually happens) but, gosh. I told her she had to wipe up the yogurt, and explained that what she did really upset me (I was pretty much in tears, I was tired too) for several reasons. She did wipe it up, after first trying to get Ella do to it (who was more then happy to accept, she LOVES using the sponge) while I was out of the room to put my skirt in the laundry. Maya then told me, "But, I'm not going to say sorry!!" I said she didn't have to, but told her that kind of behavior was totally unacceptable, it's never okay to throw things because you're upset and next time she needed to use words.

We don't, and haven't ever really done timeouts, or other punishments for misbehavior like that. Nothing has ever seemed so bad to warrant it, and I'm not sure I feel comfortable with timeouts anyway. I really am stuck with this throwing thing, though. It seems like what we've been doing isn't making much difference. It's possible it is, and it's just a very slow process. But I'm not noticing the behavior lessening. I am open to suggestions and advice if anyone has any!

Some quotes from Maya this week:

"Sometimes when I buckle my bottom buckle in the bike trailer, it tickles my belly button hole, just like when I was born and I still had my umbilical cord."

"I like trucks a lot. Dump trucks, digger trucks, bulldozers trucks, and what I mostly like is ice cream." - First thing Maya said to me after a nap.

Maya enjoyed a shower this week, by herself for the first time! She stayed in there letting the water fill her cup and playing for about 10 minutes.  

Clipping Dada's nails.

I made a fun chart today to help the girls stay on track at bedtime. I got the idea from reading about schedules and daily rhythms. We used it tonight and they had a lot of fun! Both girls went through the bedtime steps mostly on their own, which was a nice change from pestering and reminding them to get ready.

Two charts, one on Ella's side of the bed, and one on Maya's.

It has magnets, to close each step as you go.

It's pretty fun actually. I may have to make one for me.

All done. Ready for bed!

Pacifier update

Maya and Ella have had their pacifiers back since Monday night, for sleep times only. It's been working out great. There is part of me that didn't like going back, simply because I don't like going back on things, but really, I have no regrets.

Playing together in the morning, tucking animals in.

Monday was one of the worst days we've had in a long time. The girls truly seemed unhappy. They were a mess. Their behavior was mean, unpredictable, and they were so, so, tried. Brett and I couldn't get ourselves to feel sure that we had made the right choice. As the day progressed, it became more and more clear that by taking away the pacifiers completely, we had done the wrong thing for our family. And by family, I'm not just talking about Maya and Ella; Brett and I were having a very hard time.

The motivation for taking the pacifiers away was mainly based on what the dentist said about Maya's teeth. But, the more that I read about pacifiers and their effect on teeth, the more I felt that we had made a hasty decision. The only other thing that bothered us about the girls still using pacifiers was that they would drop them around the house and try to talk while sucking on them. But, that part could easily be changed by limiting their use.

Sometimes I get excited about an idea and once it gets in my head, I just go for it without thinking it completely through. We hadn't really weighed all the possibilities of how this change could effect us. We talked about taking the pacifiers away a little before taking the plunge, but not enough to fully flush out the possible feelings we'd have, or the behavior changes we'd encounter in the girls. Turns out that it's very hard to feel right about a choice you've made when you don't feel sure it's the right thing to do.

When I told Brett that I thought we had done the wrong thing, it came out that he had already taken four of the pacifiers out and set them aside in case we changed our minds. I found two little boxes to keep the pacifiers in and at bedtime that night we told the girls that a few of the pacifiers had come back because the babies thought that Maya and Ella could still use them for sleep times. We went over the rules and everyone listened and agreed. Oh the joy and pure happiness that followed! As we went to get the boxes, Maya's first thought was, "I'm going to go get my doggie!!" followed by an excited dash for the living room to find her. And Ella wanted to know, "Did they send back the soft pacifier?" When she opened her box and found it in there, no words were needed for the answer. Just a head nod and a smile.

A few moments later, when we were snuggled up reading bedtime stories, Maya asked me, "How did the babies know that we still needed them?!" I said, "Well, they must be smart babies." Maya thought about that for a moment and then said, "I bet their Mamas' told them!" Ella just sucked on her pacifier behind a huge smile.

Most people that I spoke with about what we were going through these past few days, said that it would only be a rough couple of days, and then the pacifiers would be forgotten and things would go back to normal. Maybe they were right, but we'll never know for sure. I do know that we all do things differently and that there's no right way for everyone.  Sometimes you've just got to do what you feel is best. So, for now, the pacifiers stay. I'm sure the girls won't use them forever. In the meantime, I will try to remind myself that I’m meeting my daughters' needs for soothing now, and when they're ready, they'll move on.

Tuesday was one of the best days in a long time. The girls greeted us with smiles in the morning (pacifiers where left safely in their boxes) and everyone was so happy and nice to be around. I spent a long time swimming in the river by myself while the girls took a long nap. If nothing else, this whole experience really brought Brett and me closer together as partners and parents, which really is worth a lot.

The time I spent down by the water was mostly collecting sand from the middle of the river and bringing it over to our beach! It's so fun to have sand to dig in!

Taken down by the river.

There will still be hard times. On Wednesday morning Ella struggled with leaving pacifiers in her room, and Maya had a difficult moment later in the day when she went into her room and really wished she could have a pacifier. Brett and I stayed firm and the struggles were short-lived. I've been working on reminding the girls that it's okay to look forward to things that you can't have right now. That seems to help when they are upset.

And I feel much more able to deal with the girls being upset about only having the pacifiers for night and naps than I did about them being gone altogether. It's much easier to stay consistent about something that you feel strongly about.

The only worry that I still have is about Maya's teeth. She has such a strong suck (and always has) when she is using the pacifier, and that is likely what is contributing to the change in her teeth. Hopefully, going forward and using it only a little bit for night and nap time (it usually falls out of her mouth once she's asleep anyway) there won't be much more effect on her teeth.

A few other moments from this past week:

This groundhog made good work of our garden. Almost all of our broccoli was eaten, along with the tops of our carrots, some chard and a few Brussels sprout leaves.

Finding a way to play together when only one girl will fit in the boat at a time.

Ella and Dada swimming in the river.

Making pretend cakes.

And getting messy.

And cleaning up. 

We were happy to see Uncle Timmy again on Wednesday. 

We had a visit from Uncle Guy, too!

Maya on her bike.

Ella on her bike.

The third day

This was a day of mixed emotions. It wasn't all hard, but there were difficult moments. Sleep was a little better for everyone (compared to the night before) except for me. 

The first wake up was from a very quiet and sleepy Ella, who I noticed standing next to my bed around 3:30 a.m. She had to go pee, and then wanted me to stay with her in her room. I snuck back to my bed about 20 minutes later and then Maya got up at 5:30 and came over (not so quietly as her sister) to my side of the bed. When I walked her back to her bed, she threw Pinky dog in protest, and then Ella was up too. I lay with them both for a few minutes and then said that I was going back to my bed until morning and they didn't have to sleep, but they had to stay in their room. They could use their flashlights to look at books or get some stuffed animals to play with if they didn't want to sleep.

After that, I lay awake in my bed, watching the flashes of light dance around the walls from their room, and listening to their conversations progress from sleepy and sad, to bright and full of imagination. 

Ella: "I can't find my pacifier!" 

Maya: "We don't have pacifiers anymore. So we just have to use our flashlights."

Ella: "Oh, okay. Can I try yours?"

Maya: "Okay!"

They played and talked together until coming out at 6:08 a.m, (their clock turns yellow at 6:03 a.m., signifying that it's okay to get up) very cheerful and in full swing, pretending that their flashlights, doggies and blankets were sailing down a river.

Sisters and friends.

Brett and I had a difficult morning. We weren't sure what we were doing. Were we continuing on without pacifiers? Should we give them back for nap time and nights? Were we doing the right thing? Brett needed a plan and I needed to talk about why we were doing what we were doing. Eventually we agreed that we should stick with the no pacifiers for another day, and try to make a nap happen as best we could.

Selena came over after breakfast and that was incredibly helpful. I took a shower. Brett and I talked some more and Selena stayed and played until nap time. We were able to get the girls to fall asleep, Maya by nursing and Ella by listening to Brett read a story very slowly for a long time. 

Silly faces!

Eating tomatoes from the garden.

Hugs!

Playing in the river together. 

The water was cold! But Maya and Ella didn't mind.

Cuddles.

I am exhausted. This process has been more draining on me than I anticipated. I also haven't slept much in a few days. Brett was really great tonight with the girls while I rested. He did bedtime while I went out to a cafe, and he reports that they went to sleep fairly easily. It's possible we are past the worst of this transition. I'm still struggling to feel okay about it, though. I wish that I felt strongly that we were doing the best thing, but I just don't. I miss the comfort and security that the pacifiers gave my girls. I want that back.

The second day

We lived through the second day without pacifiers, but it wasn't easy on any of us. There was no nap again today. The lack of napping has been the most challenging part of this. If they were fine without it that would be different, but Maya and Ella really still need a nap. Around noon (if not earlier), they just lose control of themselves because they are so incredibly tired! Maya's volume control goes out the window. Ella bursts into tears at the littlest things. They both basically turn into loud little inconsolable messes. I'm thinking a long car ride around nap time is in the cards for tomorrow.

We were this close to forgetting the whole thing and giving the pacifiers back today. I really wanted to. I wanted them to be able to rest! I wanted to be able to rest. Later in the day, after Brett got back from the grocery store, I did take a short nap while he was with the girls. I also talked to Amber, which helped me feel a little better.

The hardest part of the day for me was in the late afternoon, when Ella lost it because she had wanted me to walk with her down the stairs, but Brett had held her hand instead. It wasn't really about the stairs. We lay in her room together for about 20 minutes. I held her when she wanted to be held and listened to her cry and be so sad. It was hard to stay calm and comforting, and to not start crying myself. She just REALLY missed her pacifiers. It was evident in her body language. She kept putting fingers in and around her mouth, reaching for pacifiers in her bed that aren't there, etc. When Brett said, "You really miss your pacifiers, don't you?" she just bawled for several minutes straight.

Maya went to sleep tonight easily. She listened to the books and then just turned over and went to sleep without a word. She was exhausted. She just goes and goes until she finally stops. She had some tough moments today, but really she's handling it well. The saddest thing for me to see is her rejecting her doggie. She had such a strong pacifier/doggie association that she doesn't seem to want Pinky dog for comfort.

I stayed with Ella for a while longer and read her another book ("Katy No-pocket", a current favorite from the library, and from my childhood). After that she requested another book and I suggested a song instead, which she agreed to after I told her which song I was thinking of. As I started to sing, she finally held her body still and I watched her eyes slowly close as she looked at me, her hand holding tight around fingers. I sang "The Marvelous Little Toy" two times through, and then she was asleep.

I'm not convinced we did the right thing in taking away the pacifiers. Maybe we should have just enforced a strict only-for-nap-and-night-time-use policy. We still could I guess...

Maya and Ella have been playing together so well during this change. They played pretend airplane on our bed all on their own for a long time this morning while Brett and I made breakfast.

Breakfast, eating in "high chairs".

Some singing and guitar playing after breakfast.

Ella woke up only once last night and went easily back to sleep after I tucked her back into bed.

Maya, didn't sleep so well. She was up around 1:30 in the morning saying that she couldn't find her pacifier (which she then quickly changed to Doggie) which I found for her under the blanket. After that, she woke up a bunch of other times. She and I didn't get a lot more sleep.

Beautiful girls. I hope you sleep well tonight.

The rest of the day

Well, it's done. The pacifiers are gone. 

There was no nap today, though not for lack of trying. There were fewer tears than I anticipated and both girls were very strong and brave about the whole thing, even when they were exhausted in the later part of the day from not taking a nap. 

Decorating the package for the pacifiers.

We wrote a few little notes to include in the package, dictated by the girls.

Lots of tape.

Putting the box out on the porch for the mail.

They both dealt with the change in their own way. Ella didn't mention it with words at all, just with disappointed looks when she came back from checking her bedroom for pacifiers (this happened multiple times throughout the day, mostly at transition times) as she is so used to doing for a little down time.  Maya was more vocal about her disappointment, letting us know that, "If I don't have my pacifier, I won't go to sleep!" and "I want my pacifier RIGHT NOW!!" When the loud demands and threats didn't work, she experimented with sucking on her fingers and thumb, though I don't think it was very satisfying for her.

Bedtime was early, but took a while. Brett read a lot of books while the girls flopped around on their beds and couldn't settle in their overtired state. The books did seem to calm Ella some, but I think it was hard for her with her sister's constant movement nearby. I lay with them after that and they both nursed a little. Maya fell asleep first, finally becoming so tired that she just flumped down on her pillow (which she'd moved to the end of the bed) and that was it. I hummed to Ella for a while after that and kept reminding her to lay still and she finally did. 

I'm taking the whole thing as hard as they are. It's just so sad to see them struggle. I love that the pacifiers gave them so much comfort, and taking them away feels awful to me in that respect. I am trying to remind myself that it's for the best and that in the long run it's such a little thing. But in the moment, it feels like we are doing such a terrible thing, taking away a little kids' comfort.

Maybe tomorrow will be easier.

Pretending to be babies with pacifiers in the crib for the last time this morning.

Maya.

Ella.

Maya and Pinky dog making pancakes for breakfast.

Later this morning, we went to Bread Euphoria and got a small cake to celebrate. 

Yum.

Mmm!

Swinging at the park after cake.